


Should'a, Would'a, Could'a

by Zen_monk



Series: Smoke and Mirrors [4]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Accidental Stimulation, Budding Love, Character Study, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Inappropriate Erections, Male-Female Friendship, Mentions of rape and sexual assault as discussion, Pillow Talk, Pre-Canon, Relationship Problems, Romantic Comedy, Slice of Life, Stalking, Teasing, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 18:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9671192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zen_monk/pseuds/Zen_monk
Summary: A series of moments when Saizou and Kagerou consider doing things differently or having different expectations, but that weren't taken or considered. Moments when they argue, when they aren't sure of themselves, and when they generally act like kids.Pre-game canon and during different periods in their lives in nonsequential order.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Slight mention of "The Ninja Scrolls" book series.

“….Probably shouldn’t have done this,” panted Saizo.

His words came out as an exhausted sigh, but without the usual taut grumble which he normally spoke, and Kagero knew that this was as relaxed as he ever could be when he could speak softer and more heartfelt in a post-coital high.

For that was how she felt, too. She lay on her back by Saizo’s right side, his arm still underneath her as she tried to catch her breath. The night air cooled the sweat on her chest and neck, and looking blearily to her right she saw that the window was cracked open a couple inches. She hoped that no one heard either of them came, though they tried hard to hide it even when in the throes of orgasm, but Saizo’s voice has a tendency to resonate especially when his groans came belly deep and full of unrestrained satisfaction.

She raised her back slightly when Saizo moved his arm from beneath her, and he curled around her and pulled her close with his other arm so they lay side by side and face to face. Heat radiated from his body, and she breathed in deep to smell warm skin and the remnants of their lovemaking which clung to his hands and mouth and neck.

“I probably shouldn’t, too,” she sighed in assent. She said it to let him know that she consented, that this night hadn’t just happened because he had one long look at her and grabbed her hand to lead into his room, knowing that no one was around to see in that time of night and not caring if there were. It’s that she returned his gaze with the same kind of yawning hunger she had when they first courted each other, when she looked at him deeply to try to convey words without speaking in the same way that they would do when a single look was enough to team up together seamlessly in combat.

She also said it because she didn’t want either of them to use this night to sling blame against each other, which sometimes happened before.

It wasn’t even half a year since they split up, yet here they were in his bed as though trying to make up for lost time.

He didn’t say anything in response, only just looked at her comfortably through his good eye and held his hand up to the side of her face, fingers curling against the fine hairs of her right temple and his warm palm cupping her cheek.

“Are you hurt?” he asked, and she knew he wasn’t talking about the way he took her roughly, with frantic hard grasps as he thrust into her to reconnect what once had been familiar.

At the question, she gently rubbed her side where purple bruises dotted over her waist and ribs, courtesy of a brush against faceless far away in icy fields. “Not more than usual. But it was a near thing,” she admitted, her voice small.

She had been away from the castle for several weeks, a long time to separate between herself and Lord Ryouma’s side, but Saizo read the reports and knew the grave nature of a fresh round of Faceless that rampaged from across the Bottomless Canyon. Hunting them down was a trial, for if they could not contain the first wave, then finding the stragglers that roam randomly through Hoshido was a constant trial that only ended when reports of an attack occurred in a village or a town. Kagero’s swiftness and critical strikes were what led her to that mission, and she fought day after day without much rest. Such devotion to the task, however necessary, would nearly always end in lives lost for the sake of the lives of the greater countryside, and that was something both Kagero and Saizo knew well.

Saizo moved closer so that he could press his forehead to hers, breathed deep and sighed, his expression taking on the shadow of his usual scowl even when he held her closer to his chest and moved to push his leg between her thighs.

“I was thinking before what would happen should you lose your life,” he began. The corner of his mouth turned southward. “Not a good feeling.”

“Then you should move on.”

“You should be more careful.”

She leaned her head into the pillow. “If I did, then tonight wouldn’t have happened, would it?”

He said nothing and turned away so that he was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. She missed his warmth, and for a moment feared that this was how tonight would end: regret and blame when they were before just so glad to see each other alive.

Kagero lifted up on one elbow, looking over at him on the other side of the futon. He stared a little harder at the ceiling. She crept closer so that her arm was around his head where she could play with his bangs at the top of his crown, and so she could wrap her arm around him so she could hover over him. That was when he looked back at her, impassive, save for his arm moving to hold her around the waist. For the moment, she just played with his hair, still damp from sweat, and looked at him knowing that tonight they had crossed a line they promised not to do. It was a near successful thing, too, their separation, for it was easy enough to just focus on their work and the mission, to pinpoint all their emotions and drive towards Lord Ryouma and Queen Mikoto so that they don’t have time to think on the other.

But she knew that sometimes when they’re together, either working or training or comparing notes, she could feel his eyes linger on her, and when his body language was taut from restraining to move a certain way with her, to include her when he should be keeping her at arm’s length even when they fought close together.

“This shouldn’t happen again,” she said softly, moving his hair from his face. She said it with the same regret as when she nearly died and wasn’t careful, that if she hadn’t then this night wouldn’t have happened and the lines were as comfortable a divide as the line that encircled the training ring. She said it as though in the future there was a chance that this might happen again, and to caution against it.

Saizo’s hand gently brushed against her bruise and she shuddered. “I know.”

“Should I leave now?” she asked.

“It would be best,” he sighed.

Kagero didn’t move, however. Instead, she bent down so she could kiss his forehead, where the crease formed when he scowled, and kissed across as though to smooth his anger away. She heard his breath catch, and she gently pressed her lips against his scar at the top, where the tip of the blade from whoever he fought had brought it down over his eye, and she moved to gently kiss against his eyelid. He breathed in deep, relaxing into the bedding and resigning himself to her care. A slight tilt of his chin and he pressed his lips against her neck, his arm around her waist tightening while his other hand moved to hold her breast.

She moved her mouth down to press a kiss into his cheek and across his nose, a soft moan deep in her throat when his pinched and rolled her nipple between his fingers. Breathing deep, she pressed her forehead against his, supported on her elbows by both sides of his head, and looked at him with heavily lidded eyes while his other hand moved up to cradle her head.

“Just one night,” said Saizo, and Kagero closed the distance to kiss his lips, small kisses that made small pecking sounds. She could feel him turn erect by her thigh, prick becoming hard and hot as he shifted to rub the tip against her skin, making a searing path.

“Just the one,” she murmured when she lifted herself up to straddle him, reaching down to hold his erection between her thighs and teasing it against lower lips while he gripped her waist hard.

And even while she rode him slowly to savor the feeling, when she knew she should have left when she asked, she justified it to herself that now that they made a lapse in their spoken rule towards each other, she should just as well go all the way.

* * *

 

“If presented a choice between sacrificing many for the good of ending the war, and sacrificing only a few but prolonging it with no changes in sight, what would you do?”

Saizo would always phrase his arguments as though life was a simple binary of yes and no, or black and white, and he would always take on a tone as though the answer was already obvious.

Kagero would, as always, try hard not to take the bait.

“And reality has proven, as time and again-”

“There is no third option,” he interrupted.

“Options are always made available, even in the most tightly-woven plans!”she said quickly, so not to have him cut her off edgewise. “Adaptability is the core strength of shinobi, and it would be best not to dwell so heavily on a person’s own expendability.”

Saizo scoffed and turned to the side. Late night arguments after a war meeting with Yukimura and the other master ninja would erupt between them, but would never try to bring up while during the meeting itself. The debates between them would reveal too much about their weaknesses, especially for each other.

It was harder, still, to discuss all this while in the dark where everywhere is as silent as the grave and both paranoid of their heated whispers being caught by idle ears.

“The only option we should ever consider,” said Saizo lowly, his voice deepening into a growl. “For us ninja in service to our Queen, to her children and to the country, is to give our lives for them.”

A sharp sniff and Kagero turned her head sharply. “You ought not remind me of my duty, Saizo!”

“I know I don’t!” he hissed. “But it seems I have to remind everyone else in that room what their duty is! To see the look on their faces when I told them some may die in that mission, and you just…” Saizo clenched his fist, and she knew he was fighting for control lest he raised his voice.

“You just know that everything we planned for would fall apart because they would rather save their own skins!”

Kagero closed her eyes and took in deep, even breaths, but the scowl darkening her brow matched the subtle grinding of teeth when she clenched her jaw. When she got her temper rising, her face would become as still as porcelain. When it cracked, he knew that she was as livid as he, and somehow that was easier to deal with when she was just as lost in anger as he was.

“I know how this would go, Saizo,” she muttered and then said quickly, “I would say that it is natural for one to fear for their lives, and then you would say it’s just proof that they aren’t fit to serve, and we would just go in circles going nowhere to end this but I must ask you this.”

She took a deep breath through the nose, cleansing, and Saizo mirrored her because there was a change in the air and he readied himself like he would to change his grip on a knife.

“It is one thing to give you life willingly, and another to make them do so. It is natural for us because we know why we should.”

Saizo’s frown lessened but his forehead remained as dark as the night.

“So what? Only a special few can be expected to? That just proves my point of the quality of soldiers here.”

“Not everyone wants to die for Queen Mikoto.”

A voice so quiet, if it were anyone but Saizo no one would hear her words, nor the sadness in them.

He raised his hand to his forehead and rubbed his eyes.

“That shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. We are here for Hoshido, not Queen Mikoto.”

“You know there are many still who do not see it that way.”

Saizo sighed heavily. “…It speaks of their weakness that they do not.”

Kagero closed her eyes, the image of Queen Mikoto in her mind’s eye. She shone in her cloths, in her smile, and in her eyes. But it was a lonely light, and she knew it then even when she was small.

“It is not enough to just fight for Hoshido if their hearts are not for their Queen. They have to turn their hearts and minds to her, just as Lord Ryoma says they should. No matter how noble a goal, politics would always be there to thwart it.”

Saizo gave a sidelong glance, his expression inscrutable when she invoked the lord they served. She said it with full faith and confidence, as though uttering sainted figures as fact, and there was a sinking in his heart that reminded him a fair bit of when he heard remarks about him in passing although he knew she did not mean it so.

In a more juvenile sense, it was like she was trying to one-up him, and knew that line of thinking would slide into darker feelings.

“…And still they should know their place,” he grumbled. “They should think of the grander picture.”

“Then leave it to me, Saizo.” Kagero lifted her head, held his eyes steadfast and her chin lifted so he could see her face fully. “If they won’t lay down their lives, then I shall persuade them to fight for that grander picture.”

Saizo met her unwavering gaze, and felt both love and resentment for it. Love towards Kagero for meeting and exceeding the premier example of what a retainer should be. Resentment for revealing the ways in which he was, in comparison, not.

“Fine.”

Saizo quickly moved passed Kagero, brusque, and no word of goodbye between the both of them. She was left in the dark, with the wind whistling through the canyons and left alone with her thoughts.

Persistent thoughts would repeat themselves over and over between the two of them, wanting to be spoken but not daring to.

Kagero looked in Saizo’s direction.

Saizo stalked to his quarters, silent and ominous as rolling storm clouds.

_Am I not good enough?_

* * *

 

“I never felt at ease with my name.”

Kagero murmured so lowly that Saizo almost didn’t hear.

“Sometimes it feels as though every time I introduce myself as Kagero, you could see their eyes light up because they knew the reference. Kagerou from the old tales as told by the scrolls.”

Saizo made an acknowledging sound. “Well, it is a famous tale among those in our profession.”

Kagero turned around to look at him, her hair falling over her right eye and he thought for that moment he was looking at a mirror of himself if only through that one temporary action.

“A well-known tragedy, and hers being one of the most tragic in my estimation.”

Saizo reached over to curl his arm around her waist and pull her towards him in the futon.

“Because she could never have the man she loved?” he asked. “And that her body was so full of poisons that no one could have her without dying?”

Leaning her forehead against his chin, Kagero breathed in deep and sighed.

“If only that, but no. It was because of how her tragedy was so violent. From beginning to end, I thought her story so sad it was sickening.”

Saizo held her in silence, letting her words sink while his hand touched the crown of her head and ran through her hair slowly in a soothing fashion. By itself, Kagero is a common enough name but like his own and others before in older tales and legends, it’s a name that carried greater weight in their realm compared to the namesakes of others.

A ninja’s life was not so romantic the way that other soldiers view it, and he knew of no one who had never felt violence make an impression upon their heart and mind. That violence itself was no secret, and even less so with violence enacted upon female ninja. As many insinuate themselves as courtesans, escorts, entertainers, and brothel workers, they have much greater risk upon their person than if they were disguised as peasants or common folk given that their targets are higher ranking nobility and soldiers just for the sake of information.

Saizo didn’t ask Kagero the details of her missions before their relationship, as it would encroach an unspoken agreement among ninja to not discuss the details of their mission out of safety and trust, but as they grew closer in rank and in hearts, they would speak a little more of what they do. Not too hard, as they often worked together as their prowess as partners were made evident by their results, but what they do separately they keep some things close to themselves.

But sometimes he wondered whether during her reconnaissance missions, which require disguise and infiltration, if she like other kunoichi would have to take on the guise of courtesans and entertainers. Normally such missions were given to ninja who were already of the profession, being valuable information gatherers and brokers, and if need be, assassins. However, the risks were as apparent as any battlefield, with the intimate nature of the danger prone to greater gendered cruelty.

Kagero in the ninja scrolls suffered such an exceptional cruelty.

A pregnant silence hung in her room, and when Saizo shifted slightly Kagero waited for him to break it. She was so close she could hear him swallow and flex his jaw as though looking for the right words to arrange into an appropriate question.

“Have you been assaulted before?” He asked. He thought maybe it was too blunt, but there was no good reason to beat around the bush.

She was quiet for so long, he thought she slept, or perhaps upset, but then she sighed.

“Almost. Not that I gave them a chance to, but…” she paused to turn around so her back was facing Saizo. “You can tell by their faces their intentions.”

Saizo drew closer so he could press his mouth and nose into her hair, breathing deep.

“Should I ask Yukimura to accompany you on your missions?”

“So you can beat the boys away with a stick?” There was a smile in her question, but he pursued more seriously.

“So that I’m there in a moment should you need me. And so you would never have to be caught in that situation.”

Kagero made a small chuckle. “I don’t need to eat poisons to kill a man who wants to rape me.”

Saizo placed a hand on her shoulder and turned her so she could face him. She was smiling, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Should I ask?” He repeated.

“You should think first of Lord Ryoma. That is all I ask.”

 

* * *

 

The training hall was empty save for three adults watching two young ninja sparring against one another in the ring. They stood by the wall observing their respective charges, the sounds of their knives ringing in the air as their blades clash and parry, and their shouts and grunts echoing between the wooden walls.

“Seems that Saizo the Fifth has really taken to filling in your footsteps,” remarked Yukimura brightly.

Saizo the Fourth remained nonchalant at the comment, but the moment when his son perfectly pivoted away from Kagero’s upward strike to whirl around so her back was facing him, he raised his chin slightly and looked at the ring with a please look in his eye.

“It speaks to his potential as much as how he’s taken to his training,” said Reina, arms crossed and her expression serene. “It reminds me of when we were younger and doing just the same for the royal family. To see at the tender age of sixteen that he can lead his own missions and matching toe to toe with our Kagero, why…” At this, Reina made a dreamy sigh. “It won’t be long now for him to just rain blood on the field from the necks of our enemies.”

“I don’t want to hear any mention of my son from your obscene mouth again,” said Saizo dryly. “But these children can really surprise me. I may be speaking as a proud parent about Saizo’s potential, but I never expect Kagero’s strength and speed to be this impressive.”

As he said this, the aforementioned ninja was able to parry Saizo the Fifth’s blow, resulting in both of them dropping their weapons, and resorted to grappling one another in an attempt to overthrow the other. Saizo was relying on his height and bulk to overpower her, but Kagero still managed to maintain her grip on him and remain steadfast on her feet. Both of their faces were locked in concentration as they glared at one another, their entire focus placed on overwhelming the other. They were not even fully grown into adult bodies, but neither adult expected for the slighter person to be such a challenge.

“The next generation of Shirasagi ninja will continue to be in good hands if we keep an eye on those two,” said Yukimura. Saizo cast a sidelong glance at him, and saw the strategist’s eyes to be obscured by the sunlight’s reflection.

“If only he would rein in his temper,” sighed Saizo. “That kid just doesn’t know when to hold back and assess the situation.”

The elder Saizo looked at his son and sighed quietly. His son’s impatience and bluster was evident in this fight as well as in other missions. He took chances too soon, and was so focused in overpowering the other that he neglected to take advantage of other recourses to gain the upper hand.

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Reina, and Saizo braced himself for another creepy observation. “There’s nothing wrong with a healthy sense of bloodlust. Sometimes I think Kagero is too careful. But with just the right incentive at the right time, well, one would find the right balance to destroy your foe without sinking into mindless rage.”

“Reina has great experience in that matter,” said Yukimura.

Saizo scowled with distaste and looked again at Kagero. “Don’t tell me you’re beginning to corrupt that girl with your proclivities, Reina.”

Reina only smiled serenely. “Oh, I am not really the right sort of mentor for a ninja. I just love being in the thick of things too much, and I certainly wouldn’t subject such a sweet girl into enjoying such ghastly things.”

“She admits it’s ghastly,” muttered Saizo to himself so low that only Yukimura heard it.

“And such an artistic mind as well! Have you seen her drawing? I mean, she hates showing it to others but she drew the most beautiful field outside of the castle.”

“Art, huh?” mused Saizo.

Beside him, Yukimura lightly coughed into his hand, as though to hide an uneasy laugh.

“Kagero would draw the most amazing things in her work. The field outside of Shirasagi Castle, swathed in a sea of red flowers as dark and thick as blood, and people drawn within looking like disembodied heads in the distance. Truly a masterpiece.”

There was a moment of stunned silence, and Saizo stared intently at the girl whom he thought of as perfectly genial and the living standard of a proper lady and ninja.

“What… ?” he breathed.

Sensing the need for a change in the air, Yukimura switched the conversation to the task at hand.

“Regarding your earlier worries, Saizo,” he began. “Your son’s hotheadedness is not shown as a liability thus far.”

The elder ninja felt relief wash over himself, although for entirely different reasons. Here was some familiar ground to take foot of.

“That is good to hear.”

“With regard to the mission at hand,” continued Yukimura. “He has remarkable focus towards his duty, and his eagerness for battle has proven a boon for when skirmishes arise. As for teamwork, well…”

Saizo scowled. In front of them, the spar has grown quieter as the two children encircle one another while looking for an opening to strike.

“Has there been issues?” He kept a close eye on how Saizo conducts himself with other ninja. First by having him observe how his father leads the group, and then by watching how his son interacts with other team members as other took to leadership. He knew his son took immense pride in his growing skills, but never had it translate into insubordination. Instead, he strove just to make himself an example of a clan’s heir.

Yukimura crossed his arms and sighed.

“Not so much with completing the mission, but I have heard from his mission leaders that his personality is not, how shall we say this… harmonious with others.”

Saizo thought for a moment, thinking back on previous missions and statements regarding his son.

Taking his silence as troubling, Yukimura continued obligingly.

“That isn’t to say that Saizo has caused problems for the team, and I’ve not interpreted it as them saying he is unpleasant or distasteful. But there have been moments when he would argue against certain decisions, such as with regards to when the enemy surrenders or when he pursues a target by himself, for example.”

Saizo nodded; this was familiar to hear. “I shall have to talk with him again. He thinks that one should be thorough with a task by continued pursuit of a target, regardless of whether they turn back first or whether it strays from the mission. His impatience was difficult to maintain in his early years.”

“Indeed,” said Yukimura. Now, Kagero and Saizo resumed in hand-to-hand combat, each trying to outdo or disarm the other. “Fortunately, I have noticed that when both Kagero and Saizo are paired, the team’s synergy have noticeable improvement.”

“Oh?”

Reina chuckled. “Nothing like witnessing the best of the best working together flawlessly. It is as though their training has prepared them exactly for the mission by working together.”

“Is that noticeable?” asked Saizo.

“Oh yes,” replied Yukimura. “Kagero does not hesitate to remind others of the mission, and is very careful in her planning. I have heard from other senior members that when others try to argue with Saizo, it ends up triggering a fight within the group. When Kagero stands up to him, she is able to reason with both him and the group so that neither would feel as though they are fractured between one side over the other.”

Saizo the Fourth looked back at the match with renewed interest, seeing Kagero differently now.

“I see.”

“So I am thinking of having those two work together more often, so we can observe any other improvements that would be useful in the future to come.”

In the ring, the younger Saizo managed to get the upper hand. With a sharp cry, Kagero fell down as Saizo had gotten hold of her arm and countered her movement so that she fell onto the ground. Sensing the end of the match, all three adults watched with rapt attention as Kagero tried to quickly move away only for her to be pinned down with Saizo nearly atop her.

“It’s finished,” declared Saizo the Fourth.

“Not yet,” said Reina sharply. “She’s been able to toss off far bigger lumps of flesh than that one.”

As she spoke, Kagero was able to push herself off the ground with Saizo on her back, and rolled so that he was also lying on his side, albeit with his grip still on her.

“We should probably finish this right now,” Yukimura said thoughtfully.

“No! She still got this!” cried Reina.

“This isn’t a brawl, Reina, and- Ooh!” Saizo winced as he watched his son get elbowed in the eye by Kagero. The momentary loosening of his grip as he was struck was enough for Kagero to roll upright and try to pin him down on the mat.

“We should stop now,” said Yukimura raising his hand.

Saizo clapped his hand on Yukimura’s shoulder to stop him. “No! My son has triumphed over far more slippery opponents!”

Yukimura nodded his chin at the two combatants. “If we don’t stop now, something untoward is going to happen.”

Reina, who had been staring intently with eyes alight with anticipation, broke her gaze to look quizzically at the strategist.

“How do you mean? Kagero totally has the upper hand.”

“Excuse me? My son has obviously won this fight.”

“And… there it is,” said Yukimura.

Saizo and Kagero have been struggling almost wildly against one another, each hoping to pin the other onto the ground into submission. The match was about decided when Kagero lost her balance and fell onto the ground face forward. Saizo took this chance to pin her hand behind her back and lean on top of her, using his weight to press down while his other arm wrapped around her shoulders, not to strangle but to quickly subdue her from any further struggle.

“Urgh! Back off!” groaned Kagero.

Saizo, panting hard, laughed breathlessly in triumph. “Not until you say ‘uncle’,” he mocked.

Frustrated, Kagero wriggled underneath in a futile attempt to throw him off.

Suddenly, both Saizo and Kagero stopped moving. They lay frozen with Kagero in his arms, their expressions frozen as something transpired between them. Horror soon slipped over their faces, turning beet red and their eyes wide and frantic.

It soon dawned on both Reina and Saizo the Fourth just what it was that Yukimura meant.

Kagero shrieked.

Saizo quickly loosened his grip and attempting to disentangle himself from her.

“Get off!” screamed Kagero.

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry-” Saizo cried out quickly, his face aflame with shame.

When he let go of her, Kagero swiftly elbowed him off, and feeling that insufficient, shoved him away as soon as there was enough space between them.

Once Saizo was off her back, both Reina and his father looked in abject horror as their fears were confirmed. Yukimura just shook his head sadly.

Kagero sat up with her palms flat on the ground, legs still entangled with his as Saizo lay stunned by the elbow to his nose. She got a good look at him as he tried to sit up with both his hands over his mouth. She looked down at his waist and his erection was as plain a sight as it ever could with such indignity, her blush deepening and her eyes as round as saucers. When he removed his hands, a thick trickle of blood dripped from his nose. That was the last straw.

“‘Off, off, off, off, off!” She cried out.

Yukimura, Reina, and Saizo the Fourth hurried over to the two of them, having gotten over their own shock. They were slightly too late, however, as when Kagero kicked away at the offending teenager, she aimed a well-directed shin at his crotch.

Reina got to Kagero and helped her up by grabbing her under her arms. Saizo rushed to his son, who lay curled on the ground shaking with his hands holding over his balls, and knelt down to assess the damage.

Saizo regarded his son with pitying eyes.

“I should have heeded Yukimura to stop the match ahead of time. But… it could have been worse.”

His son peered up at his father with watery eyes.

“H-How…?” he croaked.

In a low voice, Saizo the Fourth said bluntly, “You could’ve came and it would have been really bad.”

There was an audible gasp, and both Saizos looked over to see Kagero’s face blanched, obviously having heard the elder’s words in spite of moving a bit always and him speaking softly.

In that moment, Saizo on the ground had peered up from his prone position and locked eyes with Kagero. She looked away, and it was the final twist of the knife. He groaned in deep mortification.

He didn’t protest when his father had his hands on his shoulders and moved him so he was sitting kneeled on the ground. Then his father went into kneeling position himself and brought his hand on the back of Saizo’s head.

“I deeply apologize for this, Kagero,” said Saizo the Fifth. Then he bent his son’s head forward. “We are both sorry for this grave mistake.”

“S-Sorry, Kagero,” said the pained Saizo through gritted teeth. “An honest… accident.”

Yukimura also turned to Kagero. “I’m also sorry, too, for not stopping sooner. I was holding out hope that it wouldn’t occur, but alas I forget how spirited people your age are.”

Both Kagero and still-in-pain Saizo sighed audibly.

“Well, Kagero?” asked Reina. “Do you forgive the men here?”

“You were rooting them on, too!” said Saizo the Fourth indignantly.

Her eyes cast down, Kagero nodded.

“It was an honest mistake,” said Reina back to both Saizos. “So we’re all squared away.”

“That being said, we will talk about this later on once we cool down properly,” said Yukimura.

With that taken as the cue to leave, Reina had her arm around Kagero to lead her away from the training hall, whose face was stiff with mortification, and leaving both Saizos who were seated on the floor still.

“I’ll give you a few moments,” said Yukimura and left the father-son duo alone.

“Can you stand?”

Only a shake of his head was all the answer that the younger Saizo could muster.

“Alright, we’ll stay here a few minutes more. But we should definitely focus on training your mind and body from making the same mistake again.”

*

Later in the day, Saizo the Fifth was dragged towards a spot in the woods where people train to focus their mind under a waterfall where the royal family had for generations sat under to purify their minds.

“Now son,” shouted Saizo the Fourth so he could be heard over the roar of the waterfall where he dunked his child under. “I know you’re at an age when young men are full of vim and vigor, which can be remedied by several life-or-death situations.”

“I-I-I k-know w-hy it ha-ha-happened!” shouted the other Saizo from beneath the waterfall. “I s-s-shouldn’t have held her d-d-down like that!”

“No, I completely understand!” continued his father as though he hadn’t heard the excuse. “When I was your age, there were many a lass and lad who turned their heads in my direction, and it was hard enough to avoid the attention let alone resist all temptation! But it is the mark of a true ninja to temper down all passions so we can get the job done!”

“I d-d-don’t want to hear it!”

“I should have noticed sooner, too! Why, Kagero has grown into a beautiful young woman with a body that make anybody faint, and yet I still see her as she were when as a small child! I had completely forgotten the fact that you might not see her that way!”

“Sh-Shut up!” Saizo the younger’s face became red in spite of the freezing water. Mentally he tried to tune out his father by the roar of the waterfall and trying to recall a particularly annoying song, but like all Saizos before them, his father is a master of being able to pierce through all mental walls for the sake of torturing their captives.

“I shall now teach you the ways in which all Saizos before us have been taught to resist carnal temptation! This was handed down by my father, from his father, and from great-grandfather before us all, and it has served me well during my mission!”

Saizo the Fourth had his hands behind his back holding something, and at that declaration he brandished it forward.

“Behold! Erotic shunga wood prints handed down in our families for generations! These ones are from your mother, and they are really spicy!”

“WHAT!”

To the son’s freezing horror, his father unfolded the book to reveal all sorts of licentious images and positions.

“Gaze and be aroused, my son! Feel the freezing water pierce deep into your balls!”

“Get away from me, dad! You pervert!” Saizo the offended summoned all his strength to splash wildly at his father, who merely went back a few paces.

“Hey careful now! These are precious family heirlooms which will be given to you upon your wedding night!”

“I don’t want them!” shouted Saizo, closing his eyes so hard his face scrunched up.

“You can look away, but your mind will inevitably betray you, my son!” his father shouted. “But with each burning image ingrained in your mind, you must think of the most un-arousing thing to counteract man’s inherent carnal nature! For example! No matter how perfect someone’s beauty may be, they all fart and shit just as we do! Sometimes painfully so!”

“Stop! I learned my lesson!”

“Think of all manner of disgusting bodily turn-offs with these sexy pictures and- wait that’s not good, some people actually like them,” trailed off Saizo the Fourth, hoping his son hadn’t heard him or learned to read lips well. “New change of plan! You must imagine the most off-putting thing and place that image upon Kagero!”

“Wait, what?!” his son cried out.

“Kagero with a long nose hair! Kagero with ugly teeth, even though that’s not true at all! Kagero with the most annoying laugh in the world! Hmm, what’s another one…” Saizo the Fourth paused his verbal assault to think. “What’s a good moment-killer,” he said to himself.

Hearing none of his father’s abuse, Saizo opened his eyes in spite of himself to see him ponder.

“I got it! Kagero is dating your brother!”

As soon as he said it, his father closed his mouth suddenly with a gasp and looked back at his son. There was a long tense silence that was only broken by the roar of the waterfall.

Saizo the Fifth made a pained look. “Dad…”  
  
His father hung his head in shame.

“Sorry, son. I went too far.”

* * *

 

Kagero could do many things, because she wanted to reach a point where she would have her act together so well that no one would have to make a request to her to do something.

Kagero, could you be a good girl and help your parents?

Kagero, could you help your brother? For he is feeling faint again and needs to stay in bed for his heart.

Kagero, could you take on your brother’s task and be a proud ninja in service to the royal family? Carry on our family tradition.

Kagero, we’re not asking you to be perfect everyday, only that you could do the very best you can so there are no regrets.

She could and she would, because she always felt proud of being in being representative of her family, and exemplar warrior just as her forebears have been, and to be in the same league as the others in her rank.

Performing, and exceeding, their expectations also helped to hide the matters when she could not.

On all matters personal, especially on matters personal to her, it felt harder to bear to have someone request to do something different with the implication that she should change something about herself.

How many times had she heard her fine arts teachers criticize and speculate on her drawings, asking her again and again could say that one more time, it’s an apple? Really?

Not all of them knew that in her training in the ninja arts, she had been fine-tuning her hearing to perceive the slightest of whispers.

_How could she draw something like that and say that it’s her playmates? They look like little demons!_

_She told me that she drew a field of flowers, but it looks more like a graveyard filled with heads on pikes!_

_I swear, you can’t keep your eyes off that child. One minute you would think ‘oh, she’s got it!’ And then you avert your eyes away and there she goes making some kind creation worse than a Faceless._

_Kagero drew something strange again. Honestly, there must be some sadness in her family to draw such dreary things so normally. First their son is troubled by health, and now the daughter has a troubled mind._

_Just what is wrong with that child?_

It took a very long time to understand that she wasn’t drawing anything wrong in a technical sense, but what she drew didn’t look right.

Their biting words and whispers only had her pushing harder to improve, to do well as her mother and brother do, and in the end she just decided if it’s only a matter of seeing things differently, then she would just have to draw for herself.

The few people who accepted, and even enjoyed, her artwork were her brother, Orochi, Reina (although she was uneasy of her opinion in a very different way, due to Reina’s glint in her eye that demands savage satisfaction), and Queen Mikoto. Kagero was satisfied with just this small number of supporters.

It was nightfall when Kagero returned from the mountains near Shirasagi. She had run out of paint for a specific shade of red, and had gone gathering for plants whose blood red stems can be boiled and diluted for just that pigment. There she espied a figure in thick furs, thick-bodied and rounded in shoulders which looked like someone hiding objects from view. After repeated queries gone unanswered, she took blade to hand and made to accost the individual.

When she got home, Kagero took off her shoes and wearily dropped her bundle by the side on the engawa, her movements slow and careful.

“Ughhh…” she moaned as she bent over to retrieve her shoes from the ground. She very slowly got up, the muscles in her legs and back burning with pain and immobilizing her from its soreness. She was about to pick up her bundle when she looked up to see Saizo materializing by her left, as though out of thin air.

Only a slight pause and double-take did she reveal her surprise.

“Oh, Saizo. Did you just get here?”

He gave a slight nod in acknowledgement, all other expression obscured by his mask he had begun to wear on a daily basis for the past year. With it on, he looked the spitting image of his father, albeit with more hair upon his head.

“You look beat. What happened?” he asked. He was beginning to sound like his father, too, voice finally deepening to match his maturing body.

Kagero gave a short sigh. “Had a little adventure in the mountains gathering plants.”

He raised his eyebrows, inquiring and pointed at Kagero. “So those scratches and claw marks on your arms and legs came from gathering herbs?”

“A bear.”

Now he was really taken aback. “What?!”

She nodded grimly, and lowered her head to proceed picking up her belongings.

Saizo reached forward. “Let me help. You should get a move on to see a healer! I can’t believe this; you single-handedly assaulted a bear?” He murmured the question to himself, shaking his head at the idea.

She had already settled the pack in her arms when Saizo stepped forward to place his hand on the knot, and her belongings almost slipped out of her grip.

“Ah!” Several sheaves of paper flew out from inside, floating down onto the engawa and onto the ground over it. Quick glances at the paper revealed it to be her sketches, and her face flushed in panic.

“Oh, sorry,” he said offhandedly, and he went to pick them up.

“Wait! Leave them! I got it!” Kagero hurriedly made to lower her pack onto the ground, and found that all she could do is slowly bend her knees while her muscles and injuries burned within her. “Ow, ow, ow, ow…”

“Geez, I almost got all of them.”

Saizo quickly picked up the fallen paper, but Kagero scowled and made a grimace when she saw him gripping the paper too hard, crinkling the edges and crumpling them.

“Hey! Be more gentle with that!”

She made to reach out to stop him, but he leaned out of reach away from her to look closely at the sheaves of paper. Kagero’s face reddened and she pushed herself towards Saizo.

“W-Wait! Don’t look!”

She swiped her hand at his arm, but he turned away to put his back to her, and they circled about the engawa that way as her movements grew increasingly frantic.

“Hmmm,” he hummed pensively, looking through each drawing thoughtfully. “What is this supposed to be? A scary forest?”

“A peaceful walkway,” she retorted, giving up on trying to circumvent him and instead leaning forward to grab him by the shoulders. “Give them back!”

“…Is this a creepy oni?”

“Tanuki! I’m still working on the proportions!” She tried to reach around his waist to grab his wrist, but he switched to the other hand and holding it aloft in the air.

“Ah. I thought he was holding a club in his hands, but I guess it’s his balls.”

Kagero blushed deepened as anger colored her vision. “That is NOT what I was drawing and you know it!”

She swiftly jabbed his side with two knuckles.

“Urgh!”

Saizo buckled nearly halfway, his arms lowered as he curled against the strike. It was just enough for her to snatch it away from his hand and limped away while smoothing the paper.

“That was foul play…” he muttered.

Kagero sniffed with just a hint of petulance.

“Hmph, serves you right. You know I hate it when people look without asking.”

Saizo rubbed his palm over his side and scowled at her.

“Well of course people are going to look, that’s what art is for.”

Kagero stalked back to her belongings, a frown affixed on her mouth as she fought to keep her frustration down. She tried to remember the mantra her parents taught her for calming her mind during stressful moments, but what with the ache in her arms and legs and the feeling of dirt and dried sweat on her skin, the action was itself a trial to bear.

“I don’t draw just for anybody,” she mumbled to herself. She didn’t know if Saizo caught it, and cared less if he did, but she heard a pause in his footsteps when he followed her, and she grimaced as she knelt down to straighten her items.

She heard him sigh. “At least let me help you.”

In response she jammed her sketches into the bag’s opening, not caring if it crumpled or if she tore it, and there was definitely the sound of paper ripping in the air.

Above her, Saizo exclaimed in disgust.

“Hey!” He sounded affronted, knowing that her action was anger towards him. “You’ve been working on that for a week! What a waste.”

Kagero paused. His breath caught in his throat, and the air was palpable with tension.

She rose up slowly and didn’t turn to look at him.

“How did you know that?” She asked in a low voice.

She heard him take a deep breath and said casually, “I saw you drawing sometimes.”

She whirled around.

“And just where did you see me?”

Saizo fought to keep himself from looking shifty. “Around!”

Kagero pointed an accusing finger at him.

“During that week, I was drawing in my private spot. Away from everyone!”

“Well, I guess it’s not so private!”

“There were bushes! I was in a tree! I was specifically drawing that tanuki which you now insulted!”

Caught in the lie, Saizo looked square at her and she saw through the upturned corners of his eyes that he was smirking beneath his mask.

“A tanuki-oni.”

Kagero clicked her teeth, disgusted. “Dare I ask why you were watching me?” She then sighed. “No, I won’t. Of course someone such as yourself would be watching.”

He scowled. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

She picked up her bag by the strap, although its weight almost had her keel over unexpectedly. “I notice that you tail people on occasion as they go about their daily life. I gather that it was nonconsensual judging by the notepad in your hand.”

Saizo glared at her with a deeply furrowed brow, his expression troubled. “I’m impressed that you noticed. A shame that you hadn’t while you were scribbling away. Maybe you ought to be mindful of that.”

Kagero scoffed. “Your rudeness knows no end. We ninja may be cautious but at least here we know there are boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Like invading someone’s private space without their knowing, and taking observations for your pleasure.”

He looked away with his arms crossed. “That is the difference between Shirasagi and Igasato nin,” he said under his breath.

She shook her head and closed her eyes in frustration. Taking the strap over her head to rest on her shoulder, she held her bag against her hip made to walk past him.

“I hope you learned something illuminating while watching me draw,” she muttered.

“In fact, I did,” he said sullenly as she went past his side. In spite of herself, she paused to look up at him so he could continue.

“If you must know, I was watching you because I wanted to know why on Earth you draw the way you do.”

She scowled at him judgmentally. “You could not simply ask me?”

“As if you would agree.”

“And so?” she asked cautiously.

His expression took on a look of perplexed concentration.

“…I think you have a morbid sensibility.”

Kagero looked away in disgust.

“If you do not like it, then don’t look.”

“I never said I didn’t like it.”

She still didn’t look at him, but her expression softened though her mouth still frowned. The admittance changed the air between them slightly, or maybe she was imagining it for Saizo relaxed his presence next to her.

“What, are you saying you like it?” she mumbled.

She turned to look at him, and he looked askance in thought, as though weighing his options.

“…I think it’s interesting,” he said at last.

Kagero sighed so softly there was almost no sound.

“Well, if that doesn’t sound like damning with faint praise.”

Saizo took a step towards her, and the movement startled her enough for him to reach out and take hold of her bag. He lifted it up from the body and she felt the strap growing slack and slipping down from her shoulder.

“That was actually a compliment.”

They were silent for several moments while Saizo’s comment sank in, and Kagero found she didn’t know what to say in response. She must have been gaping for he then continued.

“When you draw in the beginning, I was actually holding out hope, like ‘wow, she almost got it. That’s definitely an animal.’ Then you just go in a completely different direction and I have no idea how you get from drawing a tanuki to looking like some kind of demon.”

“Your compliments undermine your intent,” said Kagero.

Saizo shrugged. “Think whatever you like.”

He then hefted the bag into his arms and reached around her shoulders to take the strap. The action had him go very close to her almost like in an embrace, and Kagero nearly bent herself away from his proximity. His fingers brushed across bare shoulder as he plucked the shoulder strap off her, and she felt her skin grow hot from where he touched. The lightening of her load was a welcome relief, however, and inwardly she reasoned this to be a kind of peace offering for her anger.

He held the bag in his arms comfortably, and to her relief did no more to ridicule her by pulling out her artwork.

“I dislike it when people comment on my art. I never hear a good thing from anyone who isn’t Orochi.”

Saizo rolled his eyes. “I can see why it’s to her taste.”

“And now you insult my dearest friend. Keep this up and you shall have your reckoning the next time we spar in the ring.”

“In that case, you ought not to fight any more bears any time soon in the name of your art. Let’s get to the infirmary, then.”

He walked ahead without hearing her reply, and she had little choice but to follow her purloined bag. She noted that he kept his stride slow, as though mindful of her fatigue.

“So what exactly makes my art interesting?” she asked in spite of herself.

Beside her, she could hear Saizo breathe in deep and sigh ponderously, although he didn’t stop his pace nor looked at her.

“It’s just different. Whenever I hear artists boast their work to the queen, they talk about how their work is ‘refined’ or ‘reverent.’ Like everything they make shows something holy.”

Kagero let a smile slip, knowing the kind of people who indulge in ostentatious artwork.

He continued. “I find little interest in understanding fine art the way the noble and merchant castes do here, to say nothing else of the empty gaudy taste that permeate this city that insult my sensibilities. Yours is different, though.” He gave a quick sidelong glance. “You say it’s a peaceful pathway, I see it as an ominous forest. Probably with some swordsman eager to chop a limb on his new blade.”

“How lovely,” Kagero replied dryly.

“Then you say it’s a vase of flowers, and to me it looks like a den of venomous plants that stare at you. You draw harmless animals, and they come out looking like youkai. How in the world does that happen?”

Each description he gave was like a cut from a flying knife, and it reminded her too much of the way her mentors and peers would whittle away at her heart as they criticize her work. At least Saizo makes honest cuts that go unfiltered.

“How do you know all of these pieces? I never once showed them to you. Ugh, how many times have you been spying on me in my privacy, I can barely fathom it. This is grounds for speaking directly to Queen Mikoto of.”

Saizo stopped in his tracks. “Wait, let’s be reasonable here.”

She really wanted to smack him, so she restrained herself and stepped on his foot. “Reasonable people do not stalk! And I should be the last person to be suspected of anything.”

Her foot readied for another stepping, which Saizo hobbled away from. “Anyone close to the royal family should be watched by default of their position,” he argued. “But putting that aside-”

“We will talk about it before the end of the day.”

“-As I was saying, your scribbles are weird enough that I can’t just not stare at. So yeah, I guess that’s why it’s interesting to me.”

Kagero sighed. “How unpleasant. Just once I would like someone to think my art brings pleasant feelings or say something without indicating I’m living in some alternate reality or…” At this, her voice trailed off.

“Or?”

She looked down on the floor, a frown cast over her face. “Like there’s something wrong with me.”

At his silence, she couldn’t tell if he was taken aback by something so vulnerably said, especially to him, or if he actually did think of that thought before and she hit the nail on the head. She looked up, and his expression seemed to be an embattled mix of both. She scowled cynically at him, displeasure writ on her face.

Saizo knew he had to be careful, and so he took a steadying breath before speaking.

“I don’t think the things you make mean that there’s something wrong or off about you. Your drawings are only one part of you; there are other things you can do.”

There was a slight pause, even though he sounded like he was about to provide some examples. In that brief time, it looked like he was doing some quick thinking.

And he was. He realized at the moment that every thing she tried to make with her own hands came out in some example of morbid fascination totally incongruous to daily Shirasagi life.

“Like… your work. Job work. You do good work at your job.” Inwardly, Saizo hoped she didn’t catch his awkward correction.

Kagero let out a small laugh, and he was visibly relieved to see a small smile from her. “I suppose that is high praise from a Saizo. One of these days I’m going to have you tell me just what would be considered on par to your standards, but I’m glad I’ve reached the point where it’s adequate.”

“Hmph. I don’t recall ever complaining about your work. But no only that, I’ve also known you as very helpful and capable to everyone, and the things you make are still skillful. People can make as many happy scribbles as they want, but it doesn't mean they can do it well or that they’re some kind of better person.”

Kagero was silent as she took in her words. They were closer to the infirmary, and Saizo worried that the silence and her heavy brow meant she didn’t take to his words. When they reached the door, she spoke.

“Now that was a real compliment.”

Saizo scoffed. “I see you are adept at the Shirasagi passive aggressive mannerisms that irritates me to no end.”

Instead of a snappy remark, Kagero shrugged and lifted her eyes up at him to give a playful smile.

“I actually expected worst things coming out of your mouth, so I didn’t expect you to be curious of my work.”

A slight lift of his eyebrows and his whole expression was completely relaxed. If it weren’t for mask hiding his jaw, she might have thought that he was smiling in return until he looked away scowled at the door briefly.

“Who wouldn’t be confounded by your artwork. The fact that someone of such proper behavior would produce it is itself a contradiction.”

As though pushing away from any semblance of friendliness, he roughly placed her bag in her hands which she was barely prepared for, and turned to leave.

“If you want to ponder at my drawings some more, you could just ask me,” said Kagero, her hand placed on the door handle.

A casual glance back, and Saizo said in a low voice that resonated.

“I'll wait until you want to show it to me first.”


End file.
